Sometimes I Feel
by Hope Wilson Hawkins
Sometimes I Feel
is a deeply personal memoir born from unspeakable loss: the murder of the author’s mother by a fifteen-year-old foster child.
Instead of seeking retribution, Hope Hawkins watched in awe as her father transformed pain into purpose by creating EPIC (epicforchildren.org), an organization devoted to parenting and preventing child abuse and neglect-- the very conditions that shaped the boy’s life.
The tragedy of this murder broke open the parts of Hope that were desperately trying to control each of the other challenging events of her life, the reality of her severe scoliosis, her diagnosis of bipolar depression, and her son’s battle with drug addiction. This memoir explores the subject of grief and the haunting question that arises: “Do you swallow grief and move on, or let it reshape you entirely?”
About the Author
~ Hope Wilson Hawkins ~
In April of 1977, my mother was strangled by a foster teenager whom our family had befriended.
I know that I was meant to write this memoir. Despite a master’s degree in education, 30 years of classroom teaching, strong special education credentials, and a theater background, I never realized until now how critical to my health it would be to listen to, write about, and transform my perception and experience of grief. My grief journey has become both my access to wholeness and my vehicle for returning the vibrant spirit of my murdered mother to me.
So may it be for you. Those of you who have had a sudden, violent death of a loved one, as I did, know the extraordinary depth and power of grief and how difficult it is to find your way through it. I have found ways.
The stories in my memoir will describe for you two distinct paths of working with grief: my father’s way and my way. My father directly channeled his grief through creating the flourishing organization, EPIC (epicforchildren.org), in honor of my mother, to help children become responsible adults. I, on the other hand, have spent 60 years trying to figure out my way to work productively with grief and believe that I have received profound healing in my journey. I am now able to recreate my story in a transformational memoir, which invites the reader to acknowledge and accept grief as a wise teacher and life companion.
As a board member of EPIC, I am able to connect through the EPIC mailing list with tens of thousands of families that EPIC has served over the last 40 years. Many have already expressed an interest in reading a memoir about the founder of the organization, written by his daughter. The head of EPIC has interviewed me about my book and has recently attended a reading of my memoir via Zoom.
I have led several grief workshops where I have read excerpts from my memoir and motivated participants to write about their experience. I have also introduced Grief Expressions, working with grief through painting, drawing, collage, and writing. This idea has developed into a quarterly event where participants will experience the power of the arts and the healing of sharing their creations.
I lead two weekly creative writing sessions for interested adults. “Pens on Fire” is in its fourth year of existence and involves participants from several states. I have a story that has just been published in a memoir anthology. I am now pursuing being a podcast participant and an audiobook reader.
